A New Year, A New Attitude

I have a New Year's Resolution.

It's the kind of resolution that is scary to say aloud because it means people will know about it and (gasp) maybe even hold me accountable to it.

I resolve to stop complaining.

There. I said it.

I have been incredibly convicted of this for quite some time now. I feel that there are certain things that we, as Christians, take very seriously:

Love one another deeply.

Don't lie.

Don't use the Lord's name in vain.

Serve those less fortunate than yourself.

The list goes on...

But having a grumbly/whiney attitude is just as wrong as any other sin.  God is very clear about complaining.  In Philippians 2:14, Paul writes,

 "Do everything without grumbling or arguing..." (emphasis mine). 

Seriously God? EVERYTHING? 

What about when Denver has his fourth enormous dirty diaper of the day? Don't I deserve to whine a little about that?

Or what about the extremely rude woman at the grocery store? Can't I tweet about her?

Or when I'm just having a terrible miserable no good very bad day? Can't I complain about that at happy hour with my girlfriends?

The truth is that God calls us not to grumble for a specific purpose:

 "Do everything without grumbling or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation."  Philippians 2:14

People whine. That's our nature. We want everyone else to know what a crummy day we've had. So in choosing not to grumble, we stand out... like a light in a dark place.  It is just one more way to share the gospel. One more way to let people know how great Jesus is and how powerful he is. He has the power to change our attitudes.

What I'm not saying is that I'm going to walk around with a fake smile plastered on my face constantly acting like I'm in a happy mood even when I'm not. I think we are supposed to be real with each other. When someone asks me if I'm having a good day, I think it's appropriate to sometimes say, "No, it's been pretty bad," and ask for advice or have a shoulder to cry on.  I am talking about the constant complainy/grumbly attitude that I sometimes take about all sorts of things. I'm talking about mindlessly grumbling about little things just for the sake of conversation and self-pity.

The odds are pretty good that you will hear me complain at some point throughout the next year. Mainly because I'm human, and I'm sinful, and this is going to be a major change for me. But i commit to working hard at it every day. And hopefully, with LOTS of help from the Holy Spirit, my attitude and mind-set will eventually change, and it won't be in my nature to complain as often.

The Heart of the Home

Another day another dirty diaper.

Sometimes I find myself thinking...

"I have a college degree. I studied, wrote papers, and my parents paid a great deal of money for my education. I taught for two years, and now here I am. My days are filled with vacuuming dog hair, changing diapers, cleaning up spit-up, and trying to get creative with cooking meals for cheap. How did I get here?"

I am currently reading Carolyn McCulley's book Radical Womanhood. She brought up a fascinating point that I had never realized before. Our American culture in 2011 seems to place a higher value on the public sphere than on the home. Since when is the home not worthy of a college educated woman running it? Since when is that a "waste" of my time and money?

McCulley writes, "The heart of the home is found in the relationships nurtured there and the comfort offered to one another--comfort we have first received from God, the Father of compassion, and then share with one another (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). Home is no lesser sphere...'Just a housewife' is a phrase our culture uses to undermine the importance of the private sphere. Though the marketplace does not value the home beyond what goods can be purchased for it, the ministry to be found there is of immense worth to the Lord. The stability of family relationships, the care of elderly or disabled family members, the discipling and training of children, the warm reception of guests, the making of a lifetime of memories, the daily modeling of biblical instruction, the fresh nourishment in an age of processed foods that contribute to our general ill health, the joy of a Christ-centered marriage--all of these things have long-lasting, if not eternal effects. "

How encouraging! I'm glad I have a college education. I don't believe that choosing to stay home now is "wasting" that money. Now I get to be an educated and empowered woman working from my home, loving and serving my family and community, even it it never makes me a dime.

a typical dinner scene at the Hines home

Seasons

About a year ago, when I was still newly pregnant with Denver, I remember thinking, "I can't wait until I get a baby bump. Then everyone will know I'm pregnant, and I'll feel justified for having all these crummy feelings." A few short months later, I got what I asked for:

At about that time, I thought, "I can't wait until this baby is born. My feet and back ache, my belly itches, and I'd like to enjoy a glass of wine over dinner with my husband."

Then Denver was born.

I had a beautiful son, and I quickly began to think, "I can't wait until this child sleeps through the night. I can't wait until my body gets used to breastfeeeding...this hurts! I can't wait until my body recovers from birth so that I can exercise again."

Well, I got all those wishes.

And now I admit that I'm thinking, "I can't wait until Denver gets through this spit-up phase... I am constantly covered in spit-up. I can't wait until he's old enough to take a sippy-cup, because he WON'T take a bottle, so I give him EVERY feeding, which greatly limits my freedom."

Then I hear a quiet voice whisper, "Caitlin, cherish these moments. You won't always be covered in spit-up. You won't always nurse your son every time he's hungry. This is a season, just like pregnancy was a season, just like having a newborn was a season."

So tonight, when Denver starts crying for his mommy to hold him (because he has gotten quite picky about who is holding him past 8pm), I will choose to cherish that time with my son. I will choose joy in this season because I know that this is just a short season, and before I know it, my sweet boy will be in another season that brings its own challenges, but also its own tender moments. Like this one...

and this one...

Reflecting

Our little man is 3 1/2 months old right now. He (usually) sleeps through the night, he just started laughing out loud, and has also started reaching for things (a very exciting thing for mommies, probably pretty lame to most others).

Right now, life is good. I love being a mom. I mean, who could complain when you get to spend all day every day with a face like this one?

I feel like I can honestly and vulnerably admit that things haven't always been so rosy. The first few weeks of Denver's life were probably the hardest weeks of my life. I had heard of postpartum depression, but didn't know much about it. Looking back, I probably didn't officially have postpartum depression, but I think I had what people call the "baby blues," a less severe moodiness that lasts only a few weeks instead of a few months.

Keep in mind, I have always wanted to be a mom. I remember in 8th grade we all wrote what we wanted to be when we grew up. I still have that piece of paper. It says, "Caitlin Shaughnessy wants to be a housewife and a mom." I never made a very good feminist.

But I somehow missed the boat on how difficult it is to have a newborn baby. Not many people talk about what can happen to your psyche when you're extremely sleep deprived. Waking up in the middle of the night at 1:30, 3:30 and 5:30 is exhausting. My entire body ached from the birth experience and learning to breastfeed. All the images I had of parenthood included parents feeling an overwhelming love for their children. However, when Denver was about a week old, I tearfully admitted to Austin that I thought I didn't love Denver enough. He just demanded so much, I was so hormonal, and I didn't have all those ooey-gooey feelings that people seem to get for their babies.

Austin looked at me and reminded me that love isn't based in feelings. Love is a choice. Love is an action. By waking up at all hours of the night, working through the pain of early breastfeeding, sacrificing my time and energy for my son, I was loving him.

During this Christmas season, I am reflecting on God's love for his children in a new way. He loves us with a self sacrificing love. He sent his Son to earth so that we might live life to the fullest. I assume He didn't always have ooey-gooey feelings for his children. People have been rebelling against their Creator since the beginning of time. Yet he chose to love us anyway.

So to wrap up a lengthy post... I learned more about true love in Denver's first few weeks of life than I had in years. Each day that goes by, motherhood gets better. His little personality is starting to show through and we have lots of fun together. Those ooey-gooey feelings are growing daily, and the way he smiles at me melts this mommy's heart.

So this Christmas, as the band Relient K puts it, "I celebrate the day, that you were born to die, so I could one day pray for you to save my life."

proof that Denver reaches for things...

thank you Jesus for our patient dog

Casting Crowns

Tuesday morning, Denver had his first brush with fame. Casting Crowns is a popular Christian band that I am a big fan of. A few of the guys in the band were at a Chick-fil-A in Fort Worth helping promote a charity. So Denver and I stopped by, and the little man got his picture with Mark, the lead singer of the band!

What a Year

This time last year brought a lot of emotions. You may be thinking that this is when we found out we were having Denver. No, that wasn't until New Year's Eve. Actually, in the Fall of 2009 I found out that I had melanoma, a serious type of skin cancer. After they removed and biopsied the melanoma, they discovered that it had a number of qualities that made it particularly dangerous. The doctors had to do another surgery* to remove quite a bit more skin to make sure that they "got it all." They also needed to check nearby lymph nodes to be sure that it hadn't spread. My dermotologist informed me that my situation was potentially fatal.

How do you go home and inform your husband that you might be dying? How do make that phone call to your parents?

I found out about the severity of the melanoma right before Halloween. I had the surgery on

November 2nd, and then found out the wonderful news that the melanoma had not spread a

few days later. For about a week, though, I went through life wondering if I was dying;

wondering if this would be my last holiday season. I had always wanted a family, but I suddenly

imagined that it might be impossible.

Not only did the melanoma not spread, but just two months later we found out we were pregnant with Denver.

I felt compelled to write this post for a few different reasons. First, to give thanks and praise to God for healing me and blessing us with a son. Second, to encourage anyone who is going through a dark time in their life right now. On November 1st I thought I might be dying. By January 1st, I knew I was healthy and pregnant and my future was brighter than it had ever been.

With God, all things are possible.

*The melanoma had been on my neck, so when they removed the skin, I was unable to move my head for quite a while. It was quite a sight. For a bit of comedy in this serious blog, please see the photo below of me cooking dinner a year ago with some claw thingy (the claw is completely unecessary and unrelated to the surgery. It was just funny):

Denver's Birth Story Part III

There I was, at the very end of labor. Pushing and Charley horsing. Charley horsing and pushing. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Denver’s head was born. This freaks a lot of people out because we had a water birth. “Isn’t that dangerous?” and “Won’t he breathe the water into his lungs?” are two common questions that we receive. The truth is that babies get their oxygen through their umbilical cord. They live in an environment where they are surrounded by liquid for nine months. When his head entered the bathtub, it was just like he was still inside the womb. He was still receiving oxygen through the umbilical cord, and his lungs don’t take their first breath until he is taken out of the water.

After his head was born, Donnellyn looked at us and said, “Okay, during this next contraction your baby will be born.” Words cannot express the excitement I felt in that moment. Austin says that I smiled for the first time in hours. I had a little person halfway out of my body, yet I suddenly felt almost no pain. When the contraction came, I pushed with all my might, and out came our beautiful baby boy. Denver was born at 5:36p.m. Donnellyn brought him out of the water and laid him immediately on my chest. His umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around his chest, which explained his dropping heart rate earlier in labor. She quickly unwound it, and after a few seconds he took his first breath. His little purple body started looking more and more pink. I was lying in the tub; looking at Denver, then up at Austin, then back to Denver, so completely overwhelmed with emotion. Within the same few moments, I felt relief that the labor was over, nervousness about being a new mom, exhaustion because of what I had just been through, but more than anything, I felt love for my son and my husband.

God answered so many prayers on September 7, 2010. The labor and delivery were basically complication free. I was able to have a natural childbirth. The entire labor was only 8.5 hours long (many labors are over 24 hours long). My son is healthy. I am healthy.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I was anxious about becoming a mom. I didn’t feel ready for our family dynamic to change. I won’t claim that I have totally overcome these fears, but God is truly changing my heart. I am encouraged by what Paul wrote to the Philippians: “One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.” (Philippians 3:13) I am excited (yet still sometimes scared) about what God has in store for us. Parenthood is what lies ahead. I expect it will be quite the adventure.

I'm Glad To Have My Wife Back

I'm not glad because the last 9 months are over and now I have an un-pregnant wife again, I mean on Tuesday, labor day, I had a few minutes with her here and there but for the most part she was in the zone. And when you're in the labor zone, life is different. You know when you ask your wife a simple question like, "almonds or crackers?" and she just stares at the wall and exhales in rhythm... she's in the zone. And i'm glad that she's now out of the zone and fully able to interact with me again.

I can in no way describe the miraculousness of birth. It is perhaps one of the most basic occurrences in the world and yet most people don't experience it until they're well into life, if ever. Don't get me wrong, giving birth is horrible. There's blood and screaming, moaning and sweat, oxygen tanks and heart monitors... but there's also a baby. There's this precious little person, that was carefully knit together inside my wife, that is coming to meet us. I cried. I cried a few times, but always between contractions and always when Caitlin was collapsed on her side not looking at me because I wanted her to think I was being strong for her. However, in retrospect I could have been laughing or sleeping and she wouldn't have known because she was seriously in the zone.

I can't explain how proud I am of her. The entire labor was 8 hours, which is a 3rd the length of most first timers, and the intense (I mean, get me out of here, let's die - intense) pushing stage was less than half of most. And all of this was the case because of 3 things: 1) Grace, 2) Donnelyn's Guidance (our midwife), and 3) Caitlin's hard work all through pregnancy. To watch your wife go through such pain, and to work through it and triumph over it... I think that's where most of the tears came from for me.

Donnelyn and the birthcenter were amazing. There were 4 wonderful women at our birth just looking for ways to serve us. One girl even washed and dried all of Caitlin's clothes and had them ready for us when we left. Donnelyn really made the whole experience of pregnancy a blessing, brought us closer together and got us more excited than ever to make Denver apart of our family. We would have never known so many things, like a waterbirth was a possibility, if not for these great women. Yes, we had a waterbirth. That means caitlin gave birth in a bathtub. However for a short time we almost thought we were having a hallway birth. You see when you have prepared your body to have a rather quick labor, your body doesn't always leave you time between contractions to go to the bathroom. And there's this stage of labor (right in between the "don't talk to me" and "kill me now" stages) known as the "hope you weren't planning on standing" stage. This moment happened on the way to the bathroom, in the hallway. But alas, we made our way back to the tub. Which i'm a huge fan of now, though originally I thought it'd be weird. Caitlin said it was a TON more comfortable; I liked it b/c it forced a good distance between me and the action. If we were on a bed I would have had the option to see and handle a lot more 'stuff'... I'm glad that option was taken away from me.

I kept telling Caitlin during it all that she didn't have to fear the pain, it was planned and it was with purpose. I like to think this helped but I know she didn't really hear me. I really think giving birth is a huge illustration of life. God made my wife's body to give birth, she can either fight it and make it more painful and more complicated, or she can trust and let go. Not that trusting and letting go is the easier option, it's certainly more difficult, but like the Psalm says: Pain may endure through the night, but joy comes in the morning. And it's kinda ridiculous. "Just let go and let your body rip itself apart... it's okay" ... ? How is anyone going to trust in something crazy like that. But Caitlin sure did it. She is a stronger woman because of it, and her husband has fallen in deeper love with her because of it too.

Night one we got 6.5 straight hours of sleep, and night two 5.5... a lot more than expected. Denver is a cutey, lazier than ever and I would do anything for him. Really the thought of him growing up and doing things and giving me hugs makes me want to cry more. I'm gonna be one of those lame dads that chokes up every time anything happens. I still hate diapers, and baby decorations, and that yellow is considered 'neutral', but i'm a sucker for my boy. He doesn't have to do anything, ever, he's just amazing. And knowing that my amazing wife worked so hard for many months to bring him out to see me just makes me want to work hard forever to be a great father and husband.

I know pregnancy isn't something you should just recommend to people, but man, what an experience.

Can a baby really be born "late?"

Today is August 26th and our due date was August 22nd. This officially makes our baby four days "late." Or does it?

A friend of mine recently emailed me a devotional from her pastor in Kansas City, Dan Wolgemuth. I don't know this man. I've never been to his church or heard him preach, but I read what he wrote about his grandchild being past her due date, and it really encouraged me. Allow me to share...

"Today, August 20, 2010 is eleven full days after the due date of our daughter Alli’s first baby. She’s in labor as I type. Just yesterday I informed a friend that she was "over a week late." But I was awakened this morning to the reality that our Father’s watch never runs slow… that He’s never late for an appointment, that He never oversleeps or reacts too quickly or scrambles to get something done… time, every second of every day, every day of every month, is His. Babies are born in the fullness of time. The last breath of every creature is deployed in the fullness of time. God Himself stands at the end of the phrase… "when the fullness of time had come, GOD…"; just as He stands at the end of every moment in our journey. He’s not stuck in traffic. He didn’t misplace His watch. He hasn’t forgotten to adjust for daylight savings. His batteries are fresh. His wisdom is impeccable. In the fullness of time… at St. Anthony’s Hospital in west Denver… a baby will be born. Not eleven days late, but right on schedule. This reality extinguishes anxiety while it ignites hope. Yes, my fourth grandchild will be born right on their due date…" - Dan Wolgemuth

Many people lately have been asking me if and when we are going to induce labor. The more that Austin and I research babies and the birth process, the more I am surprised at how quick our culture is to induce labor. Due dates are an estimation. Calculating a due date is not an exact science. It is perfectly normal and healthy for a woman to carry her baby up to 14 days past her due date, yet when someone is just four days "overdue," everyone is wondering when we plan to induce. My answer is that we don't plan to induce. Now, there are always exceptions to the rule: if the baby is in distress, or the placenta is no longer nourishing the baby, or other health risks are involved, then I absolutely understand inducing labor. However, this is most often not the case when it comes to inducing labor in America. It is usually simply because a woman is a day or two overdue, so a doctor decides to put her into labor before her body does it naturally.

Does this mean that we might be waiting quite a while longer for this baby to be born? Yes. Austin and I are excited and willing to wait on the Lord and his perfect timing. This baby will not be born late. This baby will be born right on time.

Prayer? Yes please!

I feel very fortunate to have so many people in our lives letting us know that they will be praying for us as the due date draws near (two days away! eek!) However I know that sometimes I tell people that they'll be in my prayers, but I'm not entirely sure how to pray for that person. What specifically do they want prayers for? What would be the biggest blessing for them? So if you are a praying person, and feel moved to pray for us, allow me to offer a few suggestions...

Our prayer requests:

1. a safe and healthy delivery for Caitlin and baby

2. wisdom for our midwife and her team throughout the labor and delivery process

3. no complications during the birth

4. quick recovery for Caitlin after the birth

5. that this baby's birth story would be a testimony to God's sovereignty and faithfulness

So why do we take these prayers so seriously? Why blog about this? Well, James 5:16 states that "the prayer of a righteous man are powerful and effective." This means that when Christians come before God in prayer that the prayers truly move the heart of God. There are so many people who want to do so much to help us as we transition into parenthood. In reality, the most powerful and effective thing that we can ask is that you pray.

Thanks in advance for your prayers. We will keep everyone posted on any updates!

"So how are you feeling?"

Family, friends, strangers... just about everyone who sees a woman who is nine-months-pregnant naturally asks "how are you feeling?" And I know that different people are implying different things with this question.

Some might mean, "How do you feel physically? Exhausted? Hot? Uncomfortable?" Others might mean, "Are you feeling ready for this baby? Is the nursery ready? Do you have your car seat figured out? Is the crib set up?" And some others may even be wondering "How are you feeling emotionally? Are you ready for the most enormous change in your life? How do you feel about going from a family of two to a family of three?"

So of course, I usually just answer, "fine."

Because to really dive into all the physical and emotional feelings that I'm experiencing would probably take a lot more time than the question-asker was anticipating.

So here is my real answer, to all those who want a little insight into the mind of someone who could have a baby any day now...

• Physically... I actually do feel pretty fine. I think I feel much more comfortable than many women at this point in pregnancy. No swelling, no achy muscles. Even the Texas heat (yes, it has been about 105 degrees every day this week) hasn't been too bad because I just stay in air conditioning all day. I try to exercise as often as I can, and the only time that I experience a lot of discomfort is when I walk for more than 20 minutes. My tailbone begins to hold all the weight of the baby, which is not a great feeling.
• Emotionally... Maybe you should ask my husband about this one. He may have a different answer than me. :) He has certainly had to deal with my emotions running a little out of control throughout the pregnancy. And now, as the due date approaches, I am more emotional than ever. Most days I am incredibly excited about the arrival of this baby. I can't wait to finally meet him/her. I want to see that little face, and finally know this person that is currently kicking me in the ribs. Yet to be honest, I also have worries. I think my biggest concern is how our family unit is going to change so drastically. I am very blessed to have a husband that I am deeply in love with. I love spending time with him, I love quiet evenings together, I love having time with just the two of us. And while I know that we can still have date nights, and we can still make each other a priority in our lives, things are bound to change. Having a baby means that the way we relate to each other will inevitably change somewhat. Over the last few months, I have probably spent more time in prayer over this issue than anything else. I pray for contentment in my circumstances, no matter what they bring. In Paul's letter to the Philippians, he states, "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." (phil. 4:11) I love that he specifically states that he has "learned" his contentment. It didn't necessarily come naturally. Motherhood may not come naturally. I pray that as I make this transition into a new stage in life, that God would help me learn contentment with my current circumstances; and that even though things with Austin won't ever be the same, perhaps they can be even better.

My Journey with Food...

About a month ago, our midwife told us that she suspected I may have gestational diabetes. Over the course of two months, I had gained twice as much weight as I was supposed to gain. I was given strict instructions on my diet. Until we got this diabetes thing figured out, I was not allowed to eat any refined sugar or fried food, and very little carbs.

I went in for my first glucose test (where they make you drink something that tastes like super-sweet Gatorade and then take a blood sample). The results came back that my glucose levels were abnormally high, which meant that I had to take yet another blood test a few weeks later.

Meanwhile, I was still adhering to my strict diet. This meant that when friends were going to Starbucks, I couldn't order a decaf iced caramel latte (tons of sugar). No ice cream, cookies, wedding cake, Shirley Temples, or even Yoplait yogurt (filled with sugar). No grabbing a candy bar at Walgreens because I feel like it, or even having lemonade with dinner. When friends are going out to eat at an Italian restaurant, salad is pretty much the only option, because everything else is so high in carbs. All that to say... it has been a very challenging month. Probably one of the biggest lessons I've ever received in discipline and obedience.

Last week, I took my second glucose test. This one required me to drink the yucky Gatorade again, and have my blood drawn a total of four times over the course of three hours. I watched Stuart Little two and a half times while sitting in the waiting room. Super.

Two days ago I finally received some good news... I do NOT have gestational diabetes!! I am healthy, and the baby is healthy. We are very relieved.

The strange thing is, now that this diabetes thing is officially over, I'm glad it happened. It felt really good to be so healthy for an entire month. I've heard that it only takes 14 days to form a habit. I think that in the last 30 days, I have made it a habit to be much more conscientious about what I'm eating. Although I'm allowed to eat more like a normal person again, I'm pretty sure I'm going to remain on my "diabetes diet." It is awesome how sweet fruit can taste when you haven't had any sugar in weeks. Pineapple and strawberries seem to be my new favorite foods.

I know that God is sovereign and that he has had a plan for this pregnancy and this baby from the beginning. It is just interesting to see how it is playing out somewhat differently than I might have planned it, yet so much better.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:7

Happy Easter!

I feel like Easter is a perfect time to reflect on God’s graciousness. So often, as I prepare for this baby, I think about all of the “things” that need to be accomplished in the next twenty weeks. We need to buy a crib, stroller, changing table, etc. for the nursery. I need to read books on how to be a good mother and how to breastfeed. I'll go to classes on how to give birth. We will baby-proof our home, and the list just goes on and on.

I am reminded today, Easter Sunday, that God loves me and takes care of me. God is huge. He created the universe and keeps the world in motion. Yet he loves me and has the hairs on my head numbered. Jesus was fully man and knows what it is like to be tempted by worldly things. I can call upon Jesus and ask him to give me the strength not to be consumed by everything that American culture tells me to worry about. Our nursery does not have to be “perfect” by the world’s standards. Everything does not have to match. I do not need the best and newest stroller. The only thing that matters is that Jesus died and rose from the dead. Now his spirit lives in Austin and in me, and hopefully one day in our child. If we are fortunate enough to have a child who knows the Lord some day, all the rest is just details.

"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.” Luke 12:27-31